I spent the majority of my first thirty years spiritually bankrupt. Even at Catholic school, as a child, I had tons of questions, for which no good answers were offered. I was taught through memorization of tradition rather than experience and community.
I wanted so much to believe in something, but a judgemental old white dude with a long beard just wasn’t doing it for me. Nor, was a religion that wouldn’t have me as an altar girl.
I was a proud atheist all through college because it was cool, although, in all honestly, I scarcely knew what it meant. By this time, God and I had long gone our separate ways, as it appeared–if there were such a being–he/she/it did not have my back in the least.
Every decision I made, I made alone. Every question I had, I figured it out for myself. Every punch to the gut, I took with no purpose in sight. Or so I thought.
I relied on self medication and sarcasm to ease what was the emptiness inside me. It’s no wonder that on my worst days, it might have seemed easier to check out entirely.
Thankfully, I was twenty-nine years old when rock bottom hit. Yes, thankfully. And what a terrific foundation to begin anew!
As these stories go, that’s where my search began: for something more, something worth living for, meaning, purpose, passion, something!
Where to begin:
Well clearly not with God! I’d sworn him off years ago. It would seem way too desperate to crawl back now.
I started with my angels. My mom and Gma were my entry point into faith. Both of them had been such loyal followers of the church. Surely they could help introduce me to a higher power if there were such a thing.
So I began talking, easily to my angels, and then, as time grew on, interchangeably with God–of course by now he was a She.
I had come across texts which used words like divine, grace, love, universal energy that all seemed to resonate more than God–a much more welcoming association than the bitter bearded dude.
I also began a very simple non-sectarian meditation practice. In so doing, I witnessed–first hand–that universal energy buzzing through my body and realized instantly the connection to every living thing. Finally! the very real tangible experience that I’d been searching for.
Rather organically, I began to honor the divinity within me, something I had simply never considered. I ended each meditation with, “Thank you. I love you,” originally meant for my angels, then my heart opened to God, and then miraculously even me.
I read texts that aligned with my new beliefs–words I felt resonate deep in my core. Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now, Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist, Byron Katie’s Loving What Is, Jill Bolte Taylor’s Stroke of Insight, Sarah Ban Breathnach Simple Abundance, Jon Kabat-Zinn Coming to Our Senses, and so many more.
I read voraciously. It was as if these were the lessons I’d been yearning for my entire life.
As if miraculously, my meditation practice honed my intuition; intuition led me to gratitude; gratitude pointed me to synchronicity; synchronicity nudged me to trust and faith.
All of which happened in about 18 months time, and I now lovingly refer to as my “come to Buddha moment.”
Now seven-ish years later, I read at least 1 page of spiritual text each day, I journal with my divine team (1 page) and I meditate between 10-30 min (most days).
I’m no guru, I’m no sage, but I am rich beyond measure in spirit. I feel guided, connected, and adored, all things that have given me confidence and self worth I never thought possible.
I get weepy when I think about how lost I was then; I’ve been known to get even weepier thinking about how blessed I am now.
I have no doubt that all those years, even in my darkest of hours, I was being carried. Even when I was so busy cursing and shaking my fist to notice.
Now that’s love.
One of my fave quotes:
Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, “you owe me.” -hafiz
I leave you with this: On a scale of 1-10, how tapped in would you say you are? What intuitively do you know that’s missing? What tiny commitment could you make today that in a year’s time could change everything?